


'In out of the lightning'

by sighingfawn



Series: “There is, in the end, the letting go.” [4]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-29
Updated: 2014-07-29
Packaged: 2018-02-11 00:04:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2045298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sighingfawn/pseuds/sighingfawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joel writes Ray a letter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	'In out of the lightning'

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to Samson and I've had a bad few days.  
> The ending is terrible.

Dear Ray,  
Do you remember when we first met? The rolling clouds and rain and how he forgot your full name and you thought it was a big joke because I couldn’t get my sentences out properly? Do you remember? I’m sorry, I don’t want to make you feel guilty if you don’t remembering but the thing is, I can’t stop. It’s been three weeks Ray and I can’t fucking stop remembering. You got this red stripe across your nose and cheeks when you met my parents and it was only when my father hugged you goodbye that it went. You would bite your lip bloody trying to get an achievement and not once did you wince or complain. You work so hard. There is so much more Ray. I can’t drive any more because I remember things and I can’t breathe when I do. Do you think I’ll ever forget? I’m not safe. It’s not your fault Ray, please don’t ever think that it is. I just need you to know because I can’t not tell you these things. I know that its selfish and mean but please don’t think I want to hurt you, that is the very last thing I want to do.   
I’m not making much sense, am I? Sorry. Burnie keeps looking at me but he hasn’t said anything. There’s nothing to say. He hugged me when I told him that night beneath the stars in his backyard. He hugged me tight and long and I cried in his arms. He hugged me again this morning so I guess I still look like shit. Thats when I remembered your red stripe. I keep asking you questions and I don’t know if I’ll ever hear an answer but I don’t care. You just need to know that I understand that you need time and three weeks isn't long, I know. But you need to know everything before you make a decision. You make me a better person and I make you one. I’m not a love struck teenager who believes that without you my life is over but I’m not naive either, without you my possibilities are limited. I need you to keep me grounded and sane and calm and you do so much more than that please don’t think I’m being reductionist and that we have a life simply so you could keep me from having a panic attack every minute. You gave me everything and more and I did the same to you. Don’t tell me different Ray. You have so much more going for you than I do but I’m strong like you. You are a column in my life that supports me and builds me. I love you so much Ray but I understand that love is sometimes not enough.  
I just hope it is.  
Burnie just left and without him typing and moving I can hear how heavy Im breathing. I must look pretty pathetic. Maybe I am, maybe writing this stupid letter is a waste and you have made up your mind and I am too desperate to see it. But then, I know you Ray. You are a fucking straight talker when it comes to this and you haven’t decided yet. You would have told me. Remember when I tried to ask you out and you interrupted me because I couldn’t get it right, straight out asked me if I wanted to get lunch or dinner and ever since that moment I’ve tried to be more like that. If I want something I ask. It takes me a little while but not as long as it used to. I’m grateful that you taught me how to do that Ray. It only took me three attempts to ask for a coffee in starbucks the other day.   
I think what I’m trying to say Ray is that you make me a better person but you are not the best part of me. You’re not a thing that enhances me, you’re a wonderful, talented, creative and handsome person that gives and shines and I’m sorry if I took too much and didn’t give back. I’m sorry that I didn’t go after you when you left. I’m sorry I told everybody else about my problems before you and wouldn’t let you help set up the new bed. I can’t change these things but I can do them different in the future. Or maybe I won’t, maybe I’ll be the same fuck up but I’ll try Ray and thats the best thing I can do. It’s the only thing. Burnie just came back in with some food for me. He told me that you had left the office for lunch and I should be quick because he’s going with you and Gavin on a food run. I’ll leave this on your desk. I’m sorry, again, if its a dirty trick and it’ll probably catch you off guard but I can’t keep avoiding you and crying and not knowing if you are okay, if you drank enough water or if you’re sleeping at night. I can’t say this to you in person. I couldn’t. I probably never will, not all the things that tumble around my head and make me sad. I get so sad Ray. I always have done. It makes me messy and cruel and weak. I hate it so much but its never changed. I should have told you, should have let you in. It’s not an excuse. On my bad days I used to sit on my bed in the morning light and cry because I had these ideas that I couldn’t create because Im fucking useless and everything was wrong and I just wanted to be something good. I’m a little better now Ray, you can see that. I can see that.   
I don’t want sympathy Ray. I want you and everything you come with always have done. I know I’m not a real person, that real people don’t do some of the things I do. I hope that you can accept me as you always have done. And love me. I’m sorry once again Ray. For everything and nothing. 

Love Joel

**  
**  


He can feel them all looking at him and as he folds the letter and places it on his desk he stands up.   
“You okay Ray?” Gavin has already started moving his chair closer to Ray’s desk.   
“No.” He says before walking out the room. They can read the letter and as he walks to Joel’s office he wonders who, if anybody, will understand it.   
Ray doesn’t knock, never has. “A letter.”  
His words are loud and shaky in the small office. “A letter, Joel.” He looks at the empty space where Burnie should be sitting.   
“I didn’t know how- How else could I have done it.”   
A smile. “You can’t see it. You still can’t see it. You’re not the same person Joel.”  
“I don’t think I’m any different.”   
“I know you Joel.” Ray says as Joel stands up and puts his arms around his waist. “You’re better. I know its hard.”   
Ray lifts his head and when they pull away Joel’s face is damp and soft but smiling.

 


End file.
